The Etiquette of Marriage
Volume 2: Customs
The source text defines marriage (nikāḥ) not merely as a biological need, but as an impregnable fortress that protects religion, humiliates Satan, and is built against God's enemies. The institution of marriage offers multidimensional benefits: the continuation of lineage, the restraint of lust, the heart's attainment of tranquility, and the training of the soul. At the same time, difficulties in securing lawful provision and observing family law are regarded as the "calamities" of marriage. The document details how marriage may carry different rulings depending on the individual's situation (such as focusing on worship or the need to be protected from lust), and presents comprehensively the rules of marital etiquette (adab al-muʿāshara) to be observed from the beginning of married life through divorce.
Summary
The source text defines marriage (nikāḥ) not merely as a biological need, but as an impregnable fortress that protects religion, humiliates Satan, and is built against God's enemies.
Sections
1. The Religious and Metaphysical Foundations of Marriage
Marriage is treated as a divine favor that begins with God's creating human beings from "water" and establishing kinship between them. Lust has been ordained as an obligation to "sow seed" for the continuation of lineage beyond one's own will. The fundamental purposes of marriage are as follows:
- Adherence to the Sunna: Being a means for the majority of the ummah of the Master of the Prophets to be a source of pride over other nations.
- Spiritual Protection: Protecting half of one's religion and purifying the heart from whisperings so that one may focus on worship.
2. The Five Principal Benefits of Marriage
The source text categorizes the benefits marriage offers under five main headings:
| Benefit Category | Definition and Importance | | :--- | :--- | | Raising Children | It is the cornerstone of marriage. The continuation of lineage, gaining God's love, and the intercession of deceased children fall within this scope. | | Breaking Lust | It is a shield against lust, Satan's sharpest weapon. It protects the eye from the forbidden and the private parts from fornication. | | Managing the Home | It frees the man from tasks such as cooking and cleaning so that he may find time for knowledge and worship. | | Multiplying Kinship Ties | The union of families creates social strength and the possibility of deliverance from humiliation. | | Struggle with the Soul | Safeguarding family rights, bearing patiently with a spouse's bad character, and working for lawful earnings are counted as great acts of worship. |
3. The Calamities of Marriage and Risk Analysis
Although marriage is encouraged, it brings certain risks:
- Inability to Earn Lawful Provision: Turning to the forbidden out of concern for livelihood can lead to the ruin of the individual and the family.
- Failure to Observe Rights and Law: The risk of impatience and inability to act justly toward family members.
- Distance from God: The preoccupation of the heart with children and wealth can completely occupy it and keep one from preparing for the Hereafter.
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Eight Essential Qualities Sought in a Spouse
Before the marriage contract, it is recommended that the following qualities be found in a woman (and similarly in a man) for the tranquility of life and the safety of religion:
1. Piety: It is the most fundamental criterion. A spouse who is not devout endangers the husband's religion and honor. 2. Good Character: An incompatible and ungrateful spouse causes marriage to bring more harm than benefit. 3. Beauty: It is important for protecting the husband's eye from the forbidden; yet beauty apart from piety is described as a "calamity." 4. Low Dowry: The mark of a blessed woman is that her dowry is the lightest. 5. Fertility: One should avoid marrying a woman known to be barren. 6. Virginity: First companionship strengthens affection and increases intimacy between spouses. 7. Noble Lineage: Coming from a devout and noble family is important for raising children. 8. Not Being a Close Relative: Close-relative marriages are noted to reduce lust and may cause children to be born weak.
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Principles of Marital Etiquette between Husband and Wife
Twelve fundamental duties and etiquettes the husband must observe to sustain marriage:
- Walīma: Feeding guests in the first days of marriage is a right and a sunna.
- Companionship and Patience: Bearing patiently with the weaknesses built into women's nature and with moments of anger is regarded as equal in reward to the merit of Job and Pharaoh's wife Asiya.
- Duʿāba (Playful Banter): Joking and joining in one's spouse's games to keep her heart content is sunna.
- Siyāsa (Balance): One should not exceed bounds in indulgence and weaken authority; one must not obey a wife's bad desires in a way that corrupts religion.
- Ghayra (Protective Jealousy): Moderate jealousy is praised, while baseless suspicion and prying into secrets are forbidden.
- Maintenance and Instruction: One should neither be miserly nor wasteful, should value lawful earnings, and must teach one's spouse basic religious rulings such as menstruation and prayer.
- Division: If there is more than one wife, absolute justice must be observed in nights spent and in maintenance.
- Nushūz (Discord): In disagreement, the path is first counsel, then leaving the bed, and as a last resort discipline without harm.
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Key concepts
- The science of *muʿāmala*
- Knowledge that must be put into practice
Study questions
Name two of the things that increase the intellect.
Using the miswak and sitting with scholars.
What does "Managing the Home," one of the five benefits of marriage, mean?
It means the wife helps so that the man need not busy himself with household chores and may find time for knowledge and worship.
What kind of protective jealousy (*ghayra*) is detested before God?
Suspecting one's spouse with ill opinion when there is no doubt or sign whatsoever.
What is meant by the expression "greenery that grows in a dunghill" regarding a woman to be married?
A beautiful woman raised in a bad and base family.
What is meant by sending an "emissary" before sexual union?
Intimacy-building behaviors such as conversation and kissing.
Lecture sections
- The Chapter on Marriage: Marrying Unmarried People
- The Chapter on Marriage: The Importance and Benefits of Marriage
- The Chapter on Marriage: Qualities Sought in a Woman
- Marriage Etiquette
- Matters to Observe in Marriage
- The Husband’s Rights over the Wife