The Chapter on Marriage: Qualities Sought in a Woman
The document details the basic qualities that a man—positioned as the “seeking” party in marriage—must observe when choosing a spouse.
The document details the basic qualities that a man—positioned as the “seeking” party in marriage—must observe when choosing a spouse. The central argument is that marriage must be built not merely on temporary beauty or material values, but on religiosity, good character, and compatibility. While criticizing modernity’s standardization of the perception of beauty, the text focuses on concepts from the classical Islamic literature (especially the works of al-Ghazālī) such as “types of women to avoid” and “equivalence between spouses.” The importance of meeting before marriage (looking at the face) is stressed, and a balanced perspective is offered on social matters such as the bridal gift (mihr) and marriage among relatives.
1. Eight Basic Qualities Sought in Choosing a Spouse
According to the text, the discussion of qualities sought in a man is kept short because the man is the “requesting” party. In a woman, these eight qualities come to the fore:
| Quality | Explanation and Scope | | :--- | :--- | | Religiosity (dīn) | The root of everything. Not worship alone, but seriousness toward commands and prohibitions, and a state that inspires trust. | | Good Character (khuluq) | Being companionable, understanding, compatible, and thinking well of others. | | Beauty (ḥusn) | Important for restraining the man’s eye from the forbidden; yet beauty detached from religiosity is described as a “trial.” | | Light Bridal Gift (khiffat al-mihr) | Asking for a light mihr as a sign of a woman’s blessedness and character. | | Fertility (walāda) | Preferring women known not to be barren is advised. | | Virginity (bakāra) | Important so that first emotional contact and love remain exclusive to one person and the bond may strengthen. | | Clean Lineage (nasab) | Cleanliness of lineage and origin is observed for the formation of character. | | Distant Relative | Although marriage among close relatives is permitted (not forbidden), it is not encouraged, and extreme closeness is not favored medically or socially. |
2. The Relation of Religiosity and Character
Religiosity is a compass that makes a person feel, even when he falls into weakness, that what he has done is wrong.
- Critique of Ibāḥiyya: For a person without religious references, the source of virtue and vice is unclear. Those raised in a religious milieu who then cool toward religion are said to tend toward ibāḥiyya (seeing everything as permitted).
- The Necessity of Transformation: It is not considered possible for a religious man to live long in harmony under the same roof with a woman who has no religious sensitivity; either the man transforms the woman, or the situation becomes a process that “consumes a lifetime.”
3. The Perception of Beauty and the Sunna of “Looking at the Face”
The text argues that modern people’s beauty preferences are shaped by “order” and “suggestion.”
- Subjective Beauty: Beauty need not conform to standards; a flaw sometimes reflects true beauty.
- The Importance of the Face: In light of the hadiths, looking at the face of the person one will marry is commanded. The face expresses familiarity (ulfah) in the heart; it is a mirror reflecting character, intelligence, and state of soul.
- Deceit and Honesty: Through an example from the time of ʿUmar, a man who dyed his hair to hide his age and married a young woman had that conduct labeled “deceit” and was punished.
Key concepts
- Familiarity (*ulfah*) and the Face
- On the basis of the noble hadith, the importance of looking at the face of the person one will marry is touched upon; for the face reflects character, intelligence, and familiarity in the heart.
- Beauty–Religiosity Balance
- Preferring someone who is not religious merely for beauty is risky. Yet beauty added beside religiosity is a provision and an added value.
- Bridal Gift (*mihr*)
- The financial value or right that must be given to the woman at the marriage contract.
- Familiarity (*ulfah*)
- Habit, closeness, emotional familiarity between spouses.
- *Ibāḥiyya*
- An understanding/school that recognizes no rule or limit and sees everything as permitted.
- Asceticism (*zuhd*) / Ascetic (*zāhid*)
- Not attaching importance to worldly values; in the text it refers to persons who do not make beauty a priority for the training of the soul.
- *Qawwām*
- The man’s attribute of being protector, manager, and strong within the family.
- Righteous (*ṣāliḥ* / *ṣāliḥa*)
- A person committed to the religion’s commands, religious and moral.
- The Gentle Sex (*al-jins al-laṭīf*)
- The expression used for women meaning the gentle and delicate sex.
Study questions
According to the text, why is religiosity accepted as the root of marriage?
Because when there is a problem in religiosity, trust is shaken. Religion is a basic compass that limits conduct and makes one feel sorrow when one errs.
What is the ruling concerning marriage among close relatives?
It is established by the Qur’an and is permitted (not forbidden). Yet in general it is not an encouraged situation; marrying a distant relative is seen as more appropriate.
What approach is advised in determining the amount of the bridal gift?
The mihr should be reduced to a symbolic value and kept light. Asking for a very high mihr is a factor that makes marriage difficult.
What does the “dyed beard” incident from the time of ʿUmar represent?
It represents that a person’s physically misleading others to appear younger than he is counts as “deceit” and must be punished.
What is the outcome of marrying a woman merely for her wealth and beauty without looking to her religiosity?
According to the hadith, a person may be deprived of both her wealth and her beauty. But if religiosity is taken as the basis, God may also provide that person with wealth and beauty.