Marriage Etiquette
Establishing peace and happiness in marriage is possible not merely by applying theoretical knowledge or rituals, but by turning religious and moral principles into action.
Establishing peace and happiness in marriage is possible not merely by applying theoretical knowledge or rituals, but by turning religious and moral principles into action. For a healthy family structure there are twelve basic duties upon the man. These duties span a wide range, from simplification in the wedding process to communication between spouses, from patience and mercy to balance in jealousy. While criticizing modern wedding extravagance and harsh attitudes within the family, the source text presents the ideal spouse model through examples from the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
1. Simplify Wedding Ceremonies: Rather than spending material means on photographers or luxury venues, announce the wedding with lawful entertainment by offering food to relatives and friends.
2. Review Your Manner at Home: Carry into the home the gentlemanly profile you show in the outside world; instead of being a scowling authority figure at home, be a companion who jokes with your spouse and spends time with her.
3. Manage Moments of Anger: When your spouse becomes angry or speaks harshly, remain silent rather than answering back. After the storm has calmed, “put the matter on the table” in a quiet setting.
4. Show Balanced Jealousy: Protect your spouse from situations that draw attention or violate privacy on social media or in gatherings; yet do not, with baseless suspicion, make life narrow for her.
5. Do Not Neglect Compliment: Frequently use words that appreciate your spouse’s good qualities, handiwork, or appearance. Compliment is the most important element that refreshes the bond in marriage.
Key concepts
- Wedding Feast (*walīma*)
- Feeding people at the beginning of marriage is one of Islam’s basic desires. Within one’s means (even a sheep, or even a quantity of dates), giving a feast is recommended (*mustaḥabb*).
- Congratulations and Prayer
- Congratulating those who marry with prayers such as “May God bless it” is a fine etiquette that shows marriage is valued.
- Lawful Entertainment and Announcement
- What distinguishes marriage from fornication is that it is announced. Beating the tambourine (*daf*), singing lively songs (*nashīd*), and enjoying oneself within a lawful frame are a need of nature and are encouraged.
- Good Companionship and Patience
- Spouses’ having mercy on each other and approaching with an awareness of trust. Especially the man’s enduring harms that come from the woman is a great merit.
- Spending Time and Joking
- One of the elements that keep marriage standing is spouses’ enjoying themselves together, joking, and complimenting each other.
- Tambourine (*daf*)
- A percussion instrument used for entertainment at weddings and regarded as lawful in Islam.
- Ostentation (*riyāʾ*)
- Showing off; doing an act not for God’s pleasure but so that people may see.
- Handclasp (*muṣāfaḥa*)
- Shaking hands, clasping hands.
- Song (*nashīd*)
- A poetic melody, march, or hymn sung at weddings or gatherings.
- *Qawwām*
- The man’s responsibility/attribute of managing, protecting, and administering the family.
- *Dayyūth*
- A man who remains indifferent to the unchastity of his wife or family and has lost the sense of jealousy (a situation criticized in the text).
- The Highest Companion (*al-rafīq al-aʿlā*)
- The Most High Friend (God); one of the Prophet’s last words before his death.
- Wrong (*munkar*)
- Acts that religion and reason see as ugly, forbidden, or sinful.
- Recommended (*mustaḥabb*)
- Conduct that is approved and rewarded when done, yet not obligatory.
- Moderation (*iʿtidāl*)
- Avoiding excess in every matter; a state of balance.
Study questions
What are the rulings determined by days concerning the wedding feast (*walīma*)?
Giving food on the first day is a right, on the second day it is sunna, and on the third day it is a cause of ostentation (riyāʾ) and baseness.
Which wrong practice at weddings is criticized in the source text?
Spending outrageous sums on the photographer and the venue while not giving food, or delivering sermons at weddings that create a funeral atmosphere instead of joy and scold people, is criticized.
What is the reward for a man’s enduring the harms of his wife?
God gives that man the reward given for the patience of the prophet Job (Ayyūb, peace be upon him).
What happened during Abū Bakr’s arbitration in the dispute between ʿĀʾisha and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)?
Because ʿĀʾisha said to the Prophet “Speak the truth!,” Abū Bakr reacted to her; the Prophet intervened by saying to Abū Bakr, “We did not call you for this (taking sides).”
What does the attribute “*qawwām*” express for a man?
It is the attribute of firmness and protectiveness in a man’s nature. Yet this attribute means not being coarse and hurtful, but establishing balance in the family and protecting what is lawful.
What does “moderation” (*iʿtidāl*) in jealousy mean?
It means neither leaving one’s spouse entirely free and remaining indifferent (the danger of dayyūth-ness) nor behaving with such excessive suspicion as to turn life into a prison.