Etiquette of Friendship

With some, friendship arises from the work one does.

This document analyzes social relations that are an inseparable part of human life—especially the rights of friendship and companionship—within the frame of Islamic ethics and psychological depth. The source text examines how, from birth as a social being, the bond a person forms with the "other" shapes his identity and spiritual destiny. The criteria of true friendship are set as intelligence, good character, religious integrity, and mutual development. The document stresses that healthy friendship must yield both worldly and otherworldly benefits, and that avoiding toxic relationships is a necessity of spiritual health.

1. The Human Being's Social Nature and the Cycle of Need

A person comes into the world with a network of relations that begins while still in the womb. Psychologically, the awareness of "I" is shaped by the presence of an "other." The text divides this need into the following levels:

2. The Mirror Principle: "You Are the Sum of Your Friends"

It is hard for a person to see his own character from outside. At this point the circle serves as a mirror. Choosing friends is not merely a preference but an outward expression of identity. According to the text:

3. Toxic Relationships and Psychological Dead Ends

In contrast to healthy friendships, the text draws attention to distorted forms of relation described as "sadistic and masochistic." Some people seek in friends who crush or exploit them the appreciation they did not receive from their fathers in childhood. Feeding on this "toxic" cycle is defined as a disease of the soul. In a world of eight billion people, remaining stuck to the same harmful individuals is a search for "nourishment" that blocks a person's development.

4. The Balance of Material and Spiritual Benefit

Obtaining material benefit in friendship (job opportunity, lending, and the like) is regarded as normal given Islam's structure that accepts the reality of life. Yet there is a critical distinction here:

Key concepts

Relational Birth
The human being is a creature born into relations and unable to live without forming them. First contact begins in the womb and continues throughout life.
Need for Communication
Communication sometimes appears only to the measure of need (for work and the like), and sometimes as a deep bond of the heart and friendship.
The Mirror Principle
A person is the sum of the friends around him. Choice of friends reveals identity; one who cannot look at himself from outside can see his own state by looking at his close friends.
The Two-Hands Metaphor
In the expression of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), the believer is like two hands for the believer; while one hand cannot fully wash itself, two hands cleanse each other.
Divine Favor
Having a friend who warns and holds one back when one turns toward wrong is a great favor from God.
Integrity of Character
True friendship is possible when both persons have a personality that stands on its own feet. Friendship is a means of adding virtue and value to life more than of filling deficiencies.
Intelligence
Friendship cannot be formed with a foolish person; for even when trying to benefit, the fool may cause harm.
Good Character (*ḥusn al-khuluq*)
A moral maturity beside which rudeness cannot be practiced, and which holds a person back from wrong.
Religiosity and Steadfastness
One should keep away from the open sinner (*fāsiq*—one who persists in sin) and from those whose sole aim is the world.
Keeping Away from Innovation (*bidʿa*)
Having a sound understanding of religion; avoiding people who drag one into marginal and erroneous religious interpretations.
Worldly and Otherworldly Benefit
Being someone who teaches a person something in his religion or his world, or who learns something from him.
Forbearance (*ḥilm*)
Knowing what one is doing, being measured, and mildness of temper. As the opposite of ignorance, it is the state of being conscious of one's conduct.
Fool (*aḥmaq*)
One whose capital of intellect is deficient, who cannot distinguish benefit from harm, and whose friendship brings harm.
Open Sinner (*fāsiq*)
One who has faults in religious duties, persists in his sin (*fisq*), and follows his desires.
People of Innovation (*ahl al-bidʿa* / *mubtadiʿ*)
One who adopts erroneous and marginal interpretations contrary to the roots of the religion, and who has drifted from a sound understanding of religion.
Flattering Scholar (*mudāhin ʿālim*)
One who, though knowledgeable, tries to curry favor with those in power or with his circle—a "yes-man" who uses his knowledge for his interests.
Ignorant Sufi
One who worships without knowledge and, because of that ignorance, thinks he is worshipping while in fact rebelling.
Dichotomy
The distinction between two opposite poles. In the text it is used to express the sharp divide between material and spiritual, or body and soul.
Measure (*miqyās*)
Criterion, standard. Evidence by which one heart may be measured against another.

Study questions

What is the greatest mistake a person makes in choosing friends?

Instead of attracting good people, repeatedly choosing "familiar" bad characters similar to past (usually faulty) relationships.

What is the origin of the "sadistic and masochistic" friendship relation mentioned in the text?

Such relations usually stem from the effort of people who were not appreciated by their fathers to put the friend in the father's place and continue the old authority relation.

What is the difference between "I love you because I need you" and "I need you because I love you"?

The first is an opportunistic approach that uses love as a means; the second represents a sincere friendship based on love.

Which is more dangerous—an intelligent enemy or a foolish friend? Why?

A foolish friend is more dangerous. One can feel secure from an intelligent enemy, but a foolish friend, even without bad intention, can drag a person into disaster.

According to the text, for whom is it hard to be "Muslim" (in the complete sense)?

For those who cannot get along with themselves, who are ill-tempered, who see everyone as a fraud or enemy, and who cannot establish relations with people.

What is the ruling on obtaining material benefit in friendship?

Material benefit (work, loans, and the like) may be an outcome of friendship, and there is no harm in that. But placing material interest at the center of the relation is wrong.

According to Jaʿfar al-Ṣādiq, which five groups should one keep away from?

The liar, the fool, the miser, the gossip, and the open sinner (or, according to the context in the text, tyrannical/ignorant persons). ---

The Etiquette of Concord